I noe itz gonna pretty much cliche' but im still gonna say it...
Sori i haven bin updating...
N im not gonna say dat i was busy wif school or projects or whatever shit...
I juz din feel like updating...
I kinda get de feeling dat ppl nowadays use blogs as nothing more than daily planner...
Everybody juz writes wad happen in their lives every single day...
N i've bin doin dat too...
Im not sayin itz wrong but i feel like dere's more to what a blog represents than juz a update of ur life to the world...
Frankly speaking, i dun tink anybody really cares of wad happens to ur life...
They juz go to blog to either look at pics or juz tag...
That's it...
I maybe wrong... Or I am wrong...
I dunno which one is which anymore...
This post that im gonna write is really not about wad happen today at school or wad i've bin doin for de past weeks or some other story i usually tell...
This post may even sound like a confession...
Right now, there are so many things running in my mind that i dun even noe where to start...
My life is right now is a total mess...
It may seem like there is nothing wrong wif me...
Coz i guess im pretty good at covering myself...
As usual...
Being in a relationship has its ups and downs...
I dun see it either way...
I see it as a whole package...
I love my girlfriend but somehow I always feel like there's a void in our relationship...
I dun reali noe wad it is...
My gf is a straight forward person and u can talk to her about anything...
But im seriously not gonna talk to her about this...
Im terrified bout the end result...
Im owaez so frustrated wif myself that I can't even have enuff money to even last thru one month together...
Actually i can... But one of us has to have de ability of not eating for at least 8 hrs each day...
Im juz sick of knowing dat everytime i get my allowance from my parents, i cn oredi imagine myself goin broke before the middle of the month...
I wanna look for a job but i noe the ending to dat n i juz dun wanna picture myself goin thru an argument between me n my parents n ends up wif me running away from home... I dun wan dat...
N itz not juz dat... I juz can't stop thinking of obscene images whenever im wif her...
Im digusted wif myself... I seriously am...
N i tink because of this, it has lead to think dat Im a porn addict...
Yes... i watch porn every single day...
I have no idea why...
Watching porn to me is like smoking...
You have to do it everyday...
Its meaningless seriously...
I dun earn from it...
Itz a stupid and to mention im doing a sin...
Astagfirullah i dun even noe why i continue to do it...
Speaking of which, i have to seem to lost my frequency in performing my prayers...
I cry everytime i hear an ustaz performin an azan...
I owaez keep thinking to myself, "what are you crying for??? coz ur a hypocrite or coz ur thrash?"
N sadly the answer is both...
I am a hypocrite...
I promise my mother that i will never skip another class...
But i still did... Hypocrite...
I criticise others who dun even perform their prayers but i myself dun do it everytime... Hypocrite...
I criticise other religion when i myself has yet to continue to show my faith... Hypocrite...
I learn of the right and wrong in my religion but i do more of the wrong than i do the right... Hypocrite...
Let's face it, im both a hypocrite n thrash...
I wanna atone for my sins but de same old stupid reason keeps popping up...
"There's owaez tomorrow"
How many tomorrows can there be before u actuali realise u are on borrowed time...
One day you will die... I dunno if itz soon or later...
But u will die...
Datz de bottom line...
N i see wad is happening to ppl around me n i can't help to think that i contribute to it...
It may not be something as deviant but it is still something...
I dunno how or why but i noe it has to stop...
Though i have said much, a lot has yet to be unfolded...
I have yet to see what is tearing up my heart into two...
I can say this however...
I am a coward... N i am thrash...
Right now, I am entering a journey of self discovering myself...
N by doing dat, i have to know what kind of person i have become since de day i was born till right this very moment i am typing this...
I dunno if it works but itz better den waking up de nex day de thrash i am now...
Wallahuwa'lam...
Labels: Part 1
12:20 AM